My LDS Story

For My Children

I have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life. I grew up in a loving home with parents who set strong examples of living their values, faith, obedience and sacrifice. I am grateful for them and for my upbringing. I never doubted the validity of the church as a child or a teen. I lived and loved the gospel. Being a “Mormon” defined me. I was honest, chaste, lived the Word of Wisdom and knew I was a child of a loving Heavenly Father. I knew that Joseph Smith had seen a vision of God the Father and Jesus Christ and that he was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon was translated through the power of God, that the truth had been restored to the earth and that I was a part of the only true church upon the face of the earth. I knew that we had been given the fullness of the gospel and that we were privileged to be a part of it. I was grateful for this knowledge that I had been chosen to be born into the church so that I could be an example to others of a true follower of Christ. I had the truth and I wanted to share it. I knew that because much was given, much was required and that everyone should have the opportunity to hear it. I knew it. 

As a 21 year-old missionary on Temple Square, I first began to doubt these beliefs. During the summer on Temple Square, large youth church groups came to try to convert missionaries away from Mormonism. After being bombarded with beliefs different from my own, I began to question whether they were right or was I? I decided to re-read the Book of Mormon from the start. As I read I committed myself to asking questions about anything that didn’t feel right to me. As I did so, I found answers to my questions and my heart felt as ease. My testimony of the Book of Mormon had been rebuilt and I felt stronger than before.  

Life went on and I married Brett in the temple and had three children with him. After the birth of Walter (my third-born), I found myself introduced to new ideas and ways of viewing life through podcasts. This exposed me to people with very differing views and ways of life than me, yet who still found happiness, peace and joy in life.  I chalked this up to the Light of Christ that I believed everyone had, despite their membership in the Church. The Light of Christ could guide people to goodness and light despite not having the full gift of the Holy Ghost in their lives. This explained why they were happy without the gospel, but I still held on to the belief that no one could feel true joy without having the fullness of Christ’s gospel in their lives. I saw that these other ways of viewing life were like having fragments of the truth but not the whole truth. 

As I continued being introduced to new ways of thinking and navigating the world, my paradigm in which I viewed the world began to shift. I began to wonder, “What if the church isn’t true?” These thoughts disturbed me and I hid them deep down without ever opening up to anyone about them. I buried the doubts and tried to focus on the paradigm that I had always been most comfortable with- that the Church was true.  

One evening I painfully opened up to Brett about my doubts. He seemed shocked and not sure what to say or do. I cried to him over this as I felt ashamed to even admit it out loud. But my husband was sweet, accepting and kind to me, although we didn’t discuss it again for a very long time.  

I held the doubts in my heart, unwilling to admit them to or discuss them with anyone else. The gospel brought me comfort and I felt that equated to truth. I continued to be fully active in the church and in my beliefs. But my doubts came to a head in the fall of 2017. I don’t know exactly what spurred it but I do recall listening to a podcast by Jess Lively about the Law of Attraction and Quantum Physics. At first I chalked it up to others having fragments of the truth. I saw similarities between the basics of the Law of Attraction and doctrines of the Gospel, such as prayer (manifestation), gratitude, love, etc. I also began listening to a podcast by Rob Bell, the author of What Is The Bible. He shares his thoughts on the bible stories and sees them in ways that were very different from what I believed, yet it made sense to me. This cognitive dissonance was confusing and heartbreaking for me. I opened up to Brett again, one evening, and we had an open and honest conversation about what and why we believe what we believe. I am so grateful for Brett for being open to discussing these things. Many people in the church aren’t.  

At this point in my life, I wanted to leave the church to decide for myself what I believed. But I had (by then) four young children’s futures to consider, not just my own. I began attending Pathway group where I was required to study the Book of Mormon for college credits in hopes of attending BYU-Idaho in the future (online). Throughout the course of this program, my faith in the doctrine strengthened. I read the scriptures near daily and I was surrounded by people of my faith multiple times a week. I still had doubts but they were not in my mind nearly as much as before. I was filling my heart and mind with the gospel and I loved it. 

In 2018, as I was preparing to go on a walk, I downloaded a podcast called Year of Polygamy. I listened to the first episode and immediately turned it off. The doubt came flooding back in. “Not all of what I just heard is true,” I told myself. “People are human and they all have a skewed perspective of what happened,” I would say to comfort myself.” I did not want it to be true- the things that Joseph Smith did behind Emma’s back in the name of “revelation” (I.e. Fanny Alger). It disturbed me deeply and I took a few days to process it. This was in May of 2018. My sister and I went out to breakfast together and she told me she had simultaneously began listening to the same podcast. That started an open discussion that would go on for months between us about the authenticity of the revelations through prophets in the church.  

Throughout this time of reflection and discussion, I really let myself explore what I believed about certain issues (polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, women and the priesthood, gay marriage, etc.) What I realized was that my opinions on things were solely based on what the prophets told me to believe. Because I believed that the prophets were called and ordained by God, it was easy for me to accept these doctrines as truths. I had a testimony of the Book of Mormon and of the living prophet. Things that I hadn’t understood before (like the aforementioned doctrines) I had leaned on my faith to accept. I didn’t understand it, but if God had a reason to do what He did- I trusted in Him and in His timing. I didn’t need to understand.  

I rarely listened to the Year of Polygamy podcast , so that podcast had little to do with my changing perspective. I knew that it was very possible that this podcaster had a skewed vision of what the history was like. I took everything she said with a grain of salt, so to speak. But I did learn a great deal more about the doctrine of polygamy than I ever had known. Polygamy was taught as the New and Everlasting Covenant in the early days of the church. Prophets taught that this was an eternal principle, never to be stopped. This idea was new to me. Growing up in the church, the cultural belief of the church was the idea that polygamy served a purpose in the early days of the church to grow a righteous seed. I’ve also heard other people say that the purpose was to “try the people” of the church and even to weed out those who were too weak to live that doctrine because of all the trials that would be ahead of them crossing the plains to Utah. These felt more like excuses than reasons to me now. I do believe that those women who endured polygamy were incredibly strong and resilient, though, and were ingenious and creative women.  

As I continued digging, I found out about other bits of church history that I found disturbing. I did my research and made sure to find credible sources for information. A couple of teachings of Brigham Young were particularly distressing; The Adam-God theory and the Blood-Atonement. Brigham Young taught these principles over the pulpit, teaching them as direct revelation from God Himself. The church has since renounced these doctrine's, but this begged the question; If a prophet has taught false doctrine over the pulpit, what else is false and how do we know the difference?  

During this time of doubting, I turned to God, family, friends and my Stake President for answers. Everyone I spoke to was warm, loving, understanding and encouraging. They understood my concerns and encouraged me to continue searching for answers. I was very open about my struggles because I believed there must be something I wasn’t understanding behind these issues. There must be something I didn’t know. I was encouraged to continue having faith, but there came a point when faith wasn’t enough anymore.  

I continued searching, but I knew deep down in my heart that my belief in the Church was over. I began mourning the loss of the woman I was before and the faith I once had. I knew it would never be the same. During this time I cried often and felt at a loss. I was in the middle of two worlds, between believing and not, and this was mentally and emotionally draining. I began to question things I once believed solidly; the Sabbath Day, the Word of Wisdom, and the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. I began to wonder if a life after death was even real and would I be with my husband and children in the eternities? I mourned those beliefs and wept over my loss of purpose. What was the point, then? If not this then what?  

I let myself feel the feelings; sadness, disappointment, fear, anger and emptiness. Brett was a great support to me during this time, as I shared every thought that passed through my head on the subject. I would frequently think that I was past the grieving, but then a new realization would come up and I would mourn again. As time passed, I experienced this less and less. I began to settle in to my new paradigm and felt very much as peace.  I thought that I could possibly even live in that place of non-belief while still attending church and fulfilling my callings. I love my ward and the people in it. I love the community that comes from being a part of a church and we wanted that for our children. But with each week that went by, I knew that wouldn’t be sustainable.  

As my church participation was dangling by a thread, the final straw came as I learn about the Book of Abraham and the papyrus. I knew very little about the origins of this book of scripture, but finding out that the original papyrus had been found and that it was proven to have nothing to do with the teaching found in the Pearl of Great Price (not even the word Abraham), the scales were officially tipped. I no longer believed and was ready to leave. Not only for me, but so that my children didn’t grow up in a church that claims to have the truth. I didn’t want to put them through what I went through when my testimony unraveled. I didn’t want them to experience the pain and the loss. To me, it wasn’t worth staying.  

I’ve found that a common belief in the LDS church is that there is no comparable joy outside of the Church as there is in it. I feared this to be true, but it was worth the risk. We told our families about our exit and spoke to our Bishop (who was extremely loving and helpful). I am so grateful for our family who has been understanding, supportive and loving during this process. Brett, the kids and I turned Sunday into Family Fun Day and the kids love it! I can honestly say that I have never been happier. My heart is at peace and my mind is settled. I am so grateful to be going through this with my best friend, Brett. I didn’t mention him much in this, because I feel like his story is his own. But I wanted to document this for my children and for myself. I want to remember and I want somewhere where my children can come to know that I didn’t leave because I wanted to “sin” or because I was offended. I wanted them to know I left for me and I left for them. I want them to know that even if this life is all we get, it was everything I wanted and I don’t regret a thing. I love you Brett, Gwen, Cami, Walter and Lori. You are my everything. 
For more information I recommend viewing THIS video. This information will help you understand a little bit better why your friends or family may have left the church. This is not anti-mormon material. It was put together by a LDS member. 
For a comprehensive understanding of the issues that many members have with this church, download a free copy of THIS letter. (Neither of these sources were instrumental in my decision to leave the church. I found these sources after I made that choice. But the issues they discuss were part of my reasons. This is not anti-mormon information. It is Mormon history).